For most of my life, I’ve been asked some version of the same question: “Are you an extrovert or an introvert?”
And for just as long, I’ve never been able to give a clear answer.
It’s not that I don’t understand the question. I do. I just don’t fit neatly into either box.
I love people. I love conversation. I love connection in all its forms. I love storytelling, laughter, shared moments, inside jokes, late-night talks, and the kind of energy that only comes (for me) from being with other people.
And yet…I also love being alone. I need silence. I need space. I need long stretches of uninterrupted time where I can think, write, design, read, watch, wander, and just exist inside my own head without performing or producing for anyone else.
Which is how I eventually realized:
I’m not an extravert or introvert.
I’m both. I’m an ambivert.
The thing about being an ambivert is that my energy doesn’t move in one direction.
Some days I wake up buzzing, ready to talk to everyone, respond to every message, jump into conversations, make plans, make content, make noise. Other days, I want to disappear into my apartment with my books, my screens, my music, and my thoughts, and not say a single word out loud.
Neither version is fake. Neither is wrong. They’re just different tides.
When I’m in an extroverted phase, I feel expansive. Open. Curious. Social in a way that feels generous and playful. I’ll strike up conversations with strangers. I’ll overshare a little. I’ll text first. I’ll say yes more than no. I’ll feel fueled by interaction and energized by being seen and heard.
When I’m in an introverted phase, I turn inward. I become quieter, more observant, more selective. I need to protect my attention. My nervous system asks for fewer inputs and more depth. I still care about people, but I need them at a distance. I need to recharge in solitude, not through stimulation.
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The tricky part is that the world loves labels. And it loves consistency even more. People want to know which version of me they’re getting. The social one or the quiet one? The talker or the listener? The life of the party or the guy who leaves early?
But ambiversion doesn’t work like that. It’s not a fixed identity. It’s a rhythm.
Some days I’m all outward motion. Other days I’m pure retreat. Sometimes I’ll cancel plans not because I don’t like the people, but because my internal battery is flashing red and I know I need to be alone to feel like myself again. Other times I’ll feel isolated after too much solitude and suddenly crave dinner, drinks, conversation, noise, and human warmth.
It took me a long time to stop judging myself for this.
I used to think something was wrong with me. That I was flaky. Or just moody. That I should “pick a lane” and stick to it. But the older I get, the more I realize this ebb and flow is actually one of my superpowers.
It means I can go deep and wide.
It means I can listen and lead.
It means I can hold space for others and for myself.
Being an ambivert has taught me to pay attention to my energy instead of fighting it. To notice when I’m craving connection versus when I’m craving quiet. To honor both without turning either into a personality flaw.
Some days I need a room full of people.
Some days I need a room with the door closed.
And both are valid. Both are necessary. Both are me.
So if you’ve ever felt caught between labels, unsure of where you fit in, or guilty for changing your social appetite from one day to the next, here’s your permission slip: you don’t have to choose.
You’re allowed to ebb.
You’re allowed to flow.
“Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)”
Walt Whitman
Song of Myself, 51
I’m not an extrovert. Nor an introvert.
I’m just a human, somewhere in between.
Keep calm and carry on!
Clint 🌈✌️
P.S. After years of spending almost all of my time in “homo alono” mode, I’m craving more social interaction. So I’m considering joining a coworking space. While my home office will always be home base, I’m hoping to meet a few fellow creatives and build a life outside my apartment.
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CLINT’S COLLECTION = NEW ADDITION
On yesterday’s drive, I ended up in Ontario, California, and happened upon an antique mall called Treasures N Junk. Inside, I discovered a small trove of vintage photos. The smiling gent above was one of the four added to my always-growing photo collection.
BORN THIS WAY ON THIS DAY
02-02 = Havelock Ellis (1859-1939) = English physician and writer 🌈
02-02 = Liz Smith (1923-2017) = American journalist and author 🌈
02-02 = Wenzel Anton, Prince of Kaunitz-Rietberg = Austian-Czech royal 🌈
MAN CRUSH OF THE DAY
“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
Havelock Ellis
Hi Clint, You and I both are ambiverts. Likely you are also a Highly Sensitive Person (see Elaine Aron). We are specially gifted: highly intuitive, highly intelligent, highly empathic, among a constellation of other traits. As a priest of 32 years and now as a life coach, I have been able to read people's lives over the phone, understanding who they are, and what issues in childhood have likely led them to their present situation. I thus become the introvert who wends his way into people's emotional profile and then as the extrovert I as the pertinent questions they need to answer for themselves in order to discover a new path to take to healing and wholeness. It's all very fascinating! Thanks for your clarity. Michael Parise
Clint, Love your look at ambivertism. As I get older, I find that I tend more towards the introvert side of the street. Remembering that a previous look at this of yours was the prompt for my piece: https://open.substack.com/pub/mhorvich/p/post-thanksgiving-choices-no-longer?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web We are more alike as you have previously said. P.S. I looked at the article o ambivertism by Mateo. Interesting.Fondly Michael