Before same-sex marriage became legal in 2015, I held what some might call an unpopular opinion: that hate crimes and workplace rights were far more urgent issues for LGBTQ communities than marriage. I was definitely in the minority.
But no one asked me to help draft the “Gay Agenda.”
Because, of course, there isn’t one. At least not formally.
My “gay agenda” has always been simple: to live, love, and lust freely.
That’s it. And that’s everything.
Before 2015, I used to joke that gay marriage mostly benefits wedding planners, divorce attorneys, and reality show producers. And honestly, based on the number of gay men I know who’ve been married, divorced, and/or starred in a reality show, I wasn’t entirely wrong.
Still, I’d like to soften my stance a bit now. I never intended to say that marriage is meaningless or didn’t matter to me. Marriage, like any social milestone, comes with the same mix of joy, heartbreak, and human messiness…no matter who you are or who you love.
Today, I’m attending a dear friend’s wedding. A big, traditional bride-and-groom wedding, the kind with vows and floral centerpieces and people crying into their champagne. And the whole affair has me rethinking marriage—specifically, gay marriage—and what it really means to me now.
The truth is, for the past six years, I’ve been single. I date occasionally, but I’m not out here searching for the one or planning to settle down any time soon.
At 53, I’m more interested in connection than convention. So if a Prince Charming happens to show up at my front door, I will be checking and double-checking his credentials before handing over my heart—or my Netflix password.
Still, I’m not cynical. I believe in love. I’ve been in love. I’ve also fallen out of it, and sometimes those two things happened in the same relationship. I’ve seen how easy it is to confuse companionship for compatibility, or stability for happiness.
What I’ve learned, slowly and sometimes painfully, is that intimacy doesn’t always require permanence. Some relationships are meant to last a lifetime. Others do their work in a season or two and leave us forever changed. Hopefully for good…
That realization has freed me. I no longer measure the value of a relationship by its duration or its legal status. I measure it by how deeply it lets me show up as myself—how much joy, honesty, and ease it invites in. I’ve come to appreciate the beauty in connections that don’t need labels, rings, or shared tax returns to feel meaningful.
At this age, I find partnership appealing in theory, but in practice, I love my solitude.
I like sleeping on both sides of the bed, setting my own pace, and coming and going without explanation. I like the peace that comes from not negotiating every decision. Yet I also miss the quiet rituals of shared life and the warmth of being witnessed by someone who truly sees you.
So, yes, my feelings about love and marriage are complicated. I admire commitment but resist confinement. I crave closeness but cherish independence. I don’t believe in “forever,” but I do very much believe in for now. I believe in honoring the love that shows up, however it chooses to.
Marriage isn’t on my agenda. But connection still is. Intimacy still is. Freedom still is.
And if self-love isn’t romantic, I don’t know what is. Can I get an AMEN?
Halleloo to you…and your boo(s) too!
Clint 🌈✌️
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ICYMI = IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
SUNDAY = Appreciating Art + More
SUNDAY = On ‘Queer Lens’ + Vintage Photos (with Jerry Portwood)
MONDAY = ‘Whatta Man’ Men
TUESDAY = A Wind Beneath My Wings
WEDNESDAY = Spinning My Wheels
THURSDAY = I Hope You Dance (+ Get Vaxxed)
FRIDAY = Do Clothes Really Make The Man?
SATURDAY = Behind The Camera (Again)
ON THIS DAY = OCTOBER 12
BIRTHDAYS
1921 = Art Clokey = American animator, producer, screenwriter, voice actor, and Gumby creator
1932 = Dick Gregory = American comedian, actor, and author
1934 = Richard Meier = American architect who designed the Getty Center
1935 = Luciano Pavarotti = Italian tenor and actor
1937 = Robert Mangold = American painter
1949 = Barclay Shaw = American artist
1950 = Susan Anton = American actor and model
1955 = Jane Siberry = Canadian singer-songwriter
1957 = Debra Chasnoff = American filmmaker and activist 🌈
1960 = Hiroyuki Sanada = Japanese actor and martial artist
1962 = Chris Botti = American trumpet player and composer
1968 = Adam Rich = American actor
1968 = Hugh Jackman = Australian actor, singer, and producer
1976 = Xulhaz Mannan = Bangladeshi magazine editor and activist 🌈
1977 = Michael Sandy = American display designer 🌈
1981 = Brian J. Smith = American actor
1988 = Calum Scott = English singer-songwriter 🌈
1989 = Richard Sales = English content creator
1992 = Josh Hutcherson = American actor and producer
EVENTS
1901 = President Theodore Roosevelt officially renames the “Executive Mansion” to the White House.
1998 = Matthew Shepard, a gay student at University of Wyoming, dies five days after he was beaten outside of Laramie.
2010 = The Finnish Yle TV2 channel’s Ajankohtainen kakkonen current affairs program airs controversial Homoilta episode (literally “gay night”), which leads to the resignation of almost 50,000 Finns from the Evangelical Lutheran Church.
HOLIDAYS + OBSERVANCES
LGBTQ History Month (October 1-31) 🌈🧐📚
National Hispanic Heritage Month (September 15-October 15)
PORTRAIT + QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The rivalry is with ourself. I try to be better than is possible. I fight against myself, not against the other.”
Luciano Pavarotti
I am 80+, but we hold many similar feelings about "love." https://mhorvich.substack.com/p/my-husband-of-41-years-died-i-dont?r=3z5war
I've seen and heard Calum Scott a half dozen times and every time I cry. He hits me in the heart and soul, not just the timbre of his voice but the words that mean so much. I have spent the better part of 74 years feeling invisible and even more so among gay men. I always feel that everyone is going home with someone other than me. I struggle to attract a tiny bit of attention so as to at least start a conversation. It's getting better and the more I have adopted the attitude of "I don't care" with the help of an anti-anxiety med, the better off I feel. I'm still radically lonely and dare not expect much from others, but I now have the courage just to be who I am without apology. I still look at everyone dancing with chosen partners and yearn for the opportunity just to find a FWB to delve into the erotic zone of body and soul. I guess I want to touch hearts as Calum Scott does so naturally. As was stated, marriage is not the end all, though I've been so attached for over ten years. No, it's intimacy, connection, communion, transcendent conversation, having an outlet for my very powerful intuitive empathy to help and be helped, to love and to be loved fully, completely, skin to skin. Isn't that the gift gay men offer the world? We project the ideal of what marriage ought to be in its fullness, for all people. We wish to share the energy of life that comes in love and sex when the intention is pure and open to possibilities. We just wish to be seen and embraced as the first step in emotional and spiritual transformation.